It’s a big decision–whether your mom (or dad) should move in with you. You’ve probably been thinking about it for months, if not years. You’re probably already caregiving in many ways. You’re a card-carrying member of the sandwich generation–you can juggle as many balls as a circus clown. But you have concerns about living together. Once she’s moved in, there’s no turning back.

What if we fight all the time?

What if she tries to mother my children?

What if they like my mom better than me?

What if she monopolizes all of my time?

What if my dad starts barking out orders?

What if dad doesn’t adjust and gets depressed?

What if it affects my marriage negatively?

What if I can’t do it all?

Those are just some of the questions that might be swarming around your head.

How do you decide?

For the most part, your mom or dad becoming a part of your household is just the next natural step. Maybe your dad spends the weekends and the holidays already. Maybe your mom has been making excuses to stay over more and more. It may be  time because of financial reasons, the beginnings of dementia, or maybe this last bout of cancer has left your dad weak–and you want more time together. 

In some ways, living together is easier than trying to maintain two households. In other ways, there is an adjustment period.

Five Ways to Create a Smooth Transition to Becoming a Multi-Generational Household:

• Sit together and have an honest talk about living together–expectations, assumptions, concerns. Keep it light, laugh about it, but be brave and bring up those uncomfortable topics so you can work through them early.
• Commit to each other that no matter what situation comes up, you’ll work through it together. There’s a reason why we make those vows when we get married–because we might need to be reminded of that promise to stick together n0-matter-what when the ca-ca hits the fan!
• Give each other permission to get mad, have a fight, make up, state you need some privacy, take time off, and on some days, be a royal B (you know what I mean). All of us have off days and when we do, we just need to announce it and everyone else needs to back far away and give us some room.
• Decide important subjects like if you’re going to take over finances, who’s going to pack, how much you stuff you can bring with you, and other new territories up front. Most people have issues because they’ve made assumptions and haven’t cleared the air.
• Admit going in (both of you) that you may need outside assistance. As time goes on, as your mom or dad continue to age, as diseases progress, you can’t do it all. You just can’t–not and be a daughter, a wife, a mother, and keep your health and your sanity. It’s easy to assume that because you’re living under one roof that you should take care of all of a person’s needs. That’s not humanly possible. Find community resources, hire part-time elder-care help, and be sure to get some respite care. You need a break–from each other!

Most people go through a romantic phase at the beginning of the transition–a time when everyone’s excited and happy–and then you have your first big fight or a problem arises you hadn’t planned for. Don’t let this throw you or make you think you made the wrong decision. It’s just the first of many changes–but it’s worth it. There’s something comforting about having everyone close to you under one roof–when the time is right.