Archive for July, 2009
Find Your Caregiving Funny Bone for Better Heart Health
Caregiving may seem like serious work, but as I heard Dr.Christine Northrup say in her book, The Power of Joy, “If anything is worth taking serious, then it’s certainly worth laughing about!” Even if your spouse or parent has Alzheimer’s, (or you do), life isn’t all grim, and the foibles and chaos that comes your way makes great fodder for chuckles, stories, and the occasional belly laugh.
Turns out, laughing is now doctor’s orders.
Laughter’s Effect on The Body:
- Laughter increases blood flow
- Laughter can lower blood pressure and cause blood vessels to relax
- Relaxed blood vessels puts less strain on your heart
- Laughter can help boost your levels of nitric oxide, which in turn opens your vessels
- Laughter and being in a good mood helps to regulate your hormones
Dr. Roizen, author of Real Age states that laughing often can help you look and feel 8 years younger.
But let’s face it, caregivers don’t fall out of bed giggling.
There’s stress in just facing your day. My mother had my entire day planned out before my feet ever hit the floor. She may have had Parkinson’s, and later Alzheimer’s, but she had a “needs” list two miles long–meds, doctor appointments, ”fake emergencies.” Then there was all the things she didn’t instigate–falls, feelings of paranoia (from the Alzheimer’s) and confusion. Is it really possible to keep your sense of humor in the midst of all this? Yes–and it’s crucial!
Find Your Caregiving Funny Bone:
- Develop a quirky, “dark” sense of humor. Instead of that grumpy nurse getting on your last nerve, find her amuzing, imitate her when you get to the car. I’m not trying to be mean here, but comedy is often a bit twisted. It’s better than chewing her head off or griping about it all the rest of the day.
- Start collecting funny movies. DVD’s have really come down in price, and old(er) movies cost as little as five dollars. You can get everything from old I Love Lucy reruns, Abbott and Costello, Jack Benny (your parent or grandparent will really like these–to movies you loved from the 80s, 90s, or TV shows such as Seinfeld. You can find used copies, or turn in some you don’t watch anymore. Even when you don’t feel like laughing, put on a funny DVD–instead of watching the news.
- Visit www.Jokes.com, or check out the boards at www.Alz.org. There’s a humor section where caregivers tells jokes, and even share their funny/crazy adventures. Or check out YouTube. Type in humor and pets, humor and sports, and before long, you’ll be chuckling in front of your monitor.
- Surround yourself with positive people. In fact, plan to call or meet the funniest person you know–in the next month–for coffee, or a phone chat. You’ll be glad you did. If you have a real grump in your life, don’t call them first thing in morning! That’s the worst way to start your day. Life is tough, but lots of people have adapted and have figured out how to spin the bad into good. Those are the relationships you want to encourage.
- Make sure your home is well-lighted and that you get outside every day for at least ten minutes. The opposite of laughter is depression, and it’s too easy for caregivers to get a mild (or full-blown) case of depression. Many elders like dark houses, but it’s not healthy for you. Open the curtains, turn on the ceiling fans for circulation, and on cooler days (or warmer in the winter), open your windows . Nature is healing and uplifting.
- Go for a walk. More and more research is indicating that many people are Vitamin D deficient because they’re simply not getting enough sun. Ten minutes is perfect. That’s just a short stroll. Take your loved one on a short walk, or at least get them out on the porch. Elders and young children suffer the highest rates of Vitamin D deficiency.
- Don’t take life so serious! Yeah, life is tough, so lighten up! Sometimes you just have to break loose. Laugh til you cry. Cry til you laugh. Do everything you can to stay above the sorrow, the apathy, and the heartbreak. Fight. Fight hard. Fight not only for yourself, but for all those who love you.
Sometimes you have to jump-start your laughter. Don’t wait to put the funny movie in, call your friend, or tell a joke. Do it because you don’t feel like it–yet. The old fake it ’til you make it means…you’ll make it.
2 comments July 31, 2009
Who’s Being Stubborn? You or Your Elder Parent? 7 Keys to Break the Stubborn Cycle
Remember Abbott and Costello’s baseball routine, “Who’s On First? “ (Your parents will).
That’s what it feels like at times, caregiving a stubborn parent (or spouse). You feel like you’re going round and round and not getting anywhere. Driving issues, medication issues, physical therapy issues, living alone issues–everything can feel like a fight.
How do you get out of the rut and stop arguing–and start agreeing? (Don’t forget, you may be acting a little stubborn yourself!)
7 Keys to Break the Stubborn Cycle:
- Keep the goal in mind. Safety. Health. That’s what you have to focus on. It’s easy to get so frustrated that you forget that you have to come up with a solution. You’re the one who’s going to have to stay on track, so commit to that being your goal and don’t get thwarted by daily aggravations.
- Some things aren’t up for debate. Did your parents let you drive when you were 12? Even if you argued you were tall enough and had been driving a go-cart and the family riding lawn mower since you were eight? It wouldn’t matter. You weren’t old enough. It wasn’t legal. End of story. That’s the attitude you have to adopt on a few things. If your parents have had their license taken from them, then it’s time to take the car out of the driveway. Eliminate the option. It’s not safe and you’re not budging.
- Pick your battles. Only pick a few. Let something else slide. So what if they don’t take their calcium every single night. Isn’t it more important that they take their heart pill–or get that test done? If they’d rather walk with a cane than get in a wheelchair, respect them, even if it does take longer to cross the parking lot. Pick what matters most.
- Remember, if your loved one has Alzheimer’s or dementia, they aren’t simply being stubborn. They’re not going to remember what you said yesterday, or even five minutes ago. You have to keep the boundaries and not expect them to remember. They can’t.
- Once you make a decision, stick with it. Parents can be worse than teenagers. If you even once go back on your word, you’re sunk. That’s why that battle picking is so important. If you insist they go to the cardiologist once every three months, then don’t forget the appointment. Routines create security–and respect. They have to believe you’ll follow through.
- Don’t make everything a battle. Loosen up when you can. You can still have fun. Find ways to celebrate every day–a small ice cream cone from McDonald’s, a few minutes bird watching, a cup of hot tea and cookies in the afternoon–and time to talk. Life is hard enough. Your job is to keep them safe, keep them as well as possible, and show them love. Lots of love.
- Give your parents the respect they deserve. Honor is so important. Brag in front of others–about their service to their country, how your mom helped you through college or raised three kids alone on a nurse’s salary. Tell them they’re smart, pretty, funny…special to you. Respect has nothing to do with how much income a person earns or even if they can still drive a car. It’s a state of being your parent never has to lose.
- Bonus tip: Be sure you’re not the stubborn one here! It’s easy to label someone else and not see the same trait in ourselves. Be aware of what comes out of your own mouth, how long you hold onto a grudge, or how you’d rather rot than give in. If you’ve acted stubborn when it wasn’t necessary, say you’re sorry. It’s never too late to be a good example!
1 comment July 29, 2009
Is It Alzheimer’s? Is Your Spouse (or Parent) Starting to Forget Things?
Older people forget things, right? They sure do. So do middle-age people, young people, and everyone else. Alzheimer’s is more than simply forgetting what you had for breakfast.
Stress is a big mind-drainer that causes people to forget. Alzheimer’s isn’t just about forgetting where you keys are, and it may eventually lead to forgetting what a key is for–or even the word, “key.” Alzheimer’s is a progressive neurological disease. That sounds ominous, like the music to Law & Order. For most families, Alzheimer’s occurs over a period of years and while it can feel devastating, it also can hold moments of profound tenderness.
I made every excuse for my mom. Older people forget. It’s okay, I told myself. When the incessant questions started, I just chalked it up to her wanting to keep me talking. I was a sandwich generation mom myself–and my husband traveled for work a lot. I wanted–and needed my mom to still be my mom. My mother insisted she was fine. She wanted to live independently after my dad died, and I did everything I could to make sure she was safe. Eventually, it wasn’t enough.
I started having these nagging concerns. I couldn’t quite define what was bothering me. I had managed to wrangle my mother’s car keys from her a few years prior, and even though I was going to her house every few days, having neighbors, church friends and extended family members check on her and help with the myriad of little needs, I knew that thing weren’t quite right. She started to lose weight. She started talking about her mother in the present tense. She would forget I was grown and married. She couldn’t recall what to call a purse or where she went to church. By the time I started to admit that it might be something more, I had found the ten warning signs of Alzheimer’s–and I knew. (If you want to know more about the symptoms of Alzheimer’s, visit the Alzheimer’s Association site).
I made all the arrangements and moved my mother in with my family and me and soon after, I ask my mother’s neurologist (she already had Parkinson’s) a few questions. I had a pretty good idea that she had some form of dementia. Even when he was hesitant, I knew. I had done my homework and knew what questions to ask. Early detection means you have more treatment options. Early detection means you have more time to enjoy your relationship, more time to make those necessary plans. There’s also quite a lot you can do to preserve the cognitive abilities your loved one has. You know that old saying, “use it or lose it,” applies to more than just the obvious…. Brain fitness is like body fitness–it’s never too late to start.
Your life doesn’t change the day you come home from the doctor with a diagnosis.
At first, most people don’t talk about it. It’s difficult to take in. There’s so many emotions. Life kicks in and you make dinner, plan for the next holiday, birthday, and you go grocery shopping and get gas. Alzheimer’s like anything else, folds into your life and permeates your every thought and action. Your husband is still your husband. Your mom is still your mom. You love them. They irratate you, and even when the changes happen, you grieve, you adjust and you keep going because you have to. You pray for time.
Your spouse or your mom may already be starting to forget things, but you won’t forget. You will become a living repository–of your family, of all the times you shared, of who they were–and are. It’s difficult to face, but pluck up all your nerve and strength. The sooner you start asking questions, the sooner you can get the help you need.
Add comment July 24, 2009
Are you Feeling Caregiver Overload?
I just can’t get it all done. There’s more to do in one day than is humanly possible. I’m pulling 18 hour days…and I can’t keep this up. Does this sound like you? If so, you’ve got a case of caregiver overload. It’s true. You do have more to do than any one person can possibly do. Meal prep, meds, doctor appointments, baths, treatments, calls to the insurance company…who’s got time to eat, chat, or take a bath? (What’s a bath?)
Signs of caregiver overload:
- Exhaustion eating. That’s when you’re so tired that you pump yourself up with sugar or caffeine just to get through the day.
- Zoning out. Your brain just shuts off. You can’t remember what you came in the room to get. You stop at a red light, zone out, and you can’t even recall where you’re at–or where you’re going.
- Inability to control your emotions. You scream. Others cry. Some just become numb. Sometimes you do all three–within seconds.
Yes, they call it caregiver stress and it can have serious health consequences, but even as I share this with you I can hear you asking, “What can I do about it? It’s not a job I can just quit!”
You’re right. You can’t quit. But there are proactive steps you can take.
5 Keys to Unloading Your Heavy Overload:
- Stop being a perfectionist. Give up on the clean house. Give up on all home-cooked meals. You’re in survival mode. Do what you can and let go of the rest.
- Get mad! That’s what I said….anger is healthy…at least in small doses. When life gets to be too much, it’s telling you something–go let off some steam. Go scream in your car. Go take a cold shower, or splash ice water in your face. Punch a pillow. Have an all-out mock fight with the doctor (in the privacy of your closet) and get out all those aggravations. Write that nasty letter and let your hurt flow onto the page. Save the letter or burn the letter, but for goodness sake’s don’t send it while you’re still mad.
- Break into unexplained laughter. When life gets really hairy, really awful, there’s nothing better than just cutting loose and laughing at the chaos. Dr. Christiane Northrup says, “If something is worth taking seriously, it’s worth making fun of.” If she can say it, I can follow her advice. Laughing at the absurdity of your situation isn’t the same as laughing at your loved one.
- Prioritize. There’s no way you can do all you need to do in one day. Choose the top 3 items that have to absolutely get done. Do those first. That way, if the day goes absolutely wonky, you’ll have already completed the “have to’s” early on.
- Reward yourself. Celebrate your hard work with a soda pop, a square of dark chocolate, or ten minutes with a magazine. Caregiving can feel like a thankless job, so thank yourself! Don’t wait for someone else to praise you when you need to be the one to acknowledge your hard work, dedication and kindness.
- Remember why you’re doing this in the first place. Don’t lose your passion and purpose. Keep a photograph of your care buddy near your nightstand or on the frig. Maybe a picture of the two of you, or when your mom, dad, or spouse was a child. Their smiling face will give you the boost you need to keep going.
Caregiver overload is just part of the job description, and you can’t stop things from piling up, but you can keep an arsenal of humor, purpose, and a few rewards along the way to keep you chugging right along.
Add comment July 22, 2009
“What Day Is It?” Handling Incessant Alzheimer’s Questions with Patience and Understanding
“What day is it?” “Where do we live?” Will you take me home?” “Do you know where my husband is?” I’d answer my mother’s questions again and again. ”Mother, we live in Jacksonville. Remember? We moved here six months ago.” She had Alzheimer’s . “Where do we live” became my Mother’s most asked question. As a daughter and caregiver, I felt like I was going to pull my hair out because my first reaction was to try to answer her.
Learning how to be patient and understanding was a lesson I needed to learn–and fast.
At first, I tried to answer her questions. Wrong idea.
I had to get it through my head that my mother’s brain was like a Teflon pan. Nothing was going to stick! Once I let that go, I could love her just as she was. Yeah, it was a bit chaotic, (okay, a lot chaotic!) but Alzheimer’s has a way of simplifying people in a good way. She was still my mom and it was my turn to appreciate her in a new light.
Many care persons (nurses, doctors, CNA’s) have years of experience and have figured out how to deal with Alzheimer’s questions. I’ve interviewed some of them and they’ve given me some great suggestions.
5 Tips to Handling Alzheimer’s Questions:
- Realize that if you start to answer a particular question for a second time (that day, that hour), then it’s not going to stick.
- Change the subject. Ask them if they like the colors in the lap blanket they’re holding. Tell them about your day–anything that breaks the pattern.
- Don’t try to convince them that their mother is no longer living (or whoever they’re asking for). Instead, use this as a chance to ask them about their relationship. “You miss you mother, don’t you?” “Did your mother used to brush your hair?” “Did your father teach you to ride a bike?” If that time is more real for them than today, then let them enjoy a memory or two and resist the urge to convince them of today’s date.
- Even though they can’t remember your name or what they had for breakfast, they can remember the past. If you notice that they remember a particular time period, then have a conversation about that time period. Ask them what they were doing during the war.
- Neither join their fantasy world–or force that they “see reality.” Sometimes our loved one’s fantasy worlds are very real to them. The problem is, their world can turn scary and dark and if we “use” it or participate in it, it may backfire. It’s best to not comment.
You’re their quiet foundation, and it’s difficult to see your loved one less aware of the here and now. I had to learn not to get emotionally engaged in my mother’s “world.” My primary “ job” was to keep her safe, to make sure she took her needed medications, and to do all I could to assure her that was loved. My hurts, fears and concerns had to be resolved in other ways. I journaled, took walks, sat by the river, read spiritual books and relied on my husband and friends to keep me going. And on really bad days, I’d go sit in my car in the driveway–and scream. Nothing feels better than a good, long guttural scream.
My mom needed me, and your loved one needs you.
Patience and understanding sound so noble, but the truth is…there’s only way to get these virtues. You have to do the time and practice it under the hardest of circumstances. Keeping my head and heart in the right place was the only way- and remembering when to laugh…or scream in the privacy of a parked car.
Add comment July 20, 2009
Caregiver Tips for Easy Outings with Mom or Dad
Errand day with your elder can be exhausting, take forever, and not be the easiest thing for a caregiver to pull off. When my mom “gave up” driving (that’s the way she put it–I considered laying in front of the car so she would no longer drive, but I think she would have gunned it…just kidding). I knew that I became my mom’s personal manager. I had to either arrange for all her needs to be met, or do them myself.
And boy, did my mom have needs! The moment she knew I’d be driving her around, I suddenly became “ERRAND GIRL!” No caregiver could ever complete this list in one day! I would drive over to my mom’s house after the girl’s went to school, and my mom would meet me at the door with a list long enough to reach the floor. I had already unloaded the dishwasher, fed three kids, straightened the house, made a half dozen business related calls, filled up the car with gas, and driven a half hour to get her–all by 10am.
My mom had the whole day planned out–a couple of doctor visits, K Mart, shoe repair, the bank, lunch at Krystal’s, stop by her cousin’s house to pick up something, then to the grocery store. No way I could do all that and not keel over, much less my mother who had Parkinson’s!
Over time, I learned how to manage those jam-packed day–and I learned how to figure out just how much she could do, and how much I could do.
Tips for Easy Outings with Mom or Dad:
- Some people like errands, especially women who think of it as shopping. Don’t shoot her down. She may have looked forward to this all week. Even if you know you two can’t possibly do it all, let her (or him) feel the joy and anticipation of the day.
- Plan around the current “mode of transportation.” What I mean is that if your mom uses a walker at home, but refuses to out in public–don’t force her to. This transition is difficult. If your dad likes the power scooter, don’t insist he walk through a large store–let him do what he is accustomed to.
- If those darn superstores are impossible for your elder to navigate (the cat food is a good half-mile from the bread), then shop at a smaller store. CVS or Walgreen’s became much more manageable than a WalMart Super Center, and my mom enjoyed the smaller aisles.
- If your day is filled with doctor appointments, then slide in a little fun. Eating an ice cream cone from Dairy Queen is a good way to end a “medical” day. You don’t want to return home with bad news–and even if it’s just a check-up, doctors remind us of what’s wrong, not what’s right with us. Counter it with a little bit of fun.
- Be present in the car. Car talk is a great time to catch up. Hold hands, bring a pillow for their back or feet, and really use this time to visit. Don’t let your mind wander to the rest of your life. This is their time.
- If you know that there’s no way you can fit in all they have planned, trust that they’ll “poop-out” before the end of the day. If they don’t, then you can speak up and say, “I’m beat. My feet are killing me. I just can’t go one more place today.” They may pout, but they may also be relieved. Like buffets, sometimes our plans are bigger than our ability.
- Don’t try to pack in your errands with theirs. I learned this the hard way. My mom fully intended that errand day was her day–not mine. I learned to let go and not try to squeeze my shopping in with hers. We all need a few hours that’s just about us. It wasn’t nearly as frustrating when I let go of the idea that I could multi-task. Sometimes it’s nice just to focus on one thing at a time.
- Make your entrances and exits a big deal. If your parent is still living alone or in a care home, enter with open arms and a smile. Tell them it’s good to see them, that they’re looking good. End the day with a hug and assure them you’ll call. Remind them of when you’re coming over next. We all need something to look forward to. My mom used to stand in her driveway and wave to me until I was down the street and around the corner. Then, I’d call five minutes later to make sure she got back inside. It was so sweet to see her standing there, waving and blowing me kisses.
By planning ahead, choosing to be present and to be in pleasant mood, and deciding to enjoy the day, outings with my mom became something both of us looked forward to.
7 comments July 14, 2009
How Affection and Connection Affect Our Brains and Elder Care
Oprah had a show today on childhood abuse and neglect. It was heartbreaking to see that even our brains are affected by a lack of touch and conversation. I believe the same thing can happen to our elders, many of whom spend hours and hours alone or with little human interaction. It’s not that caregivers don’t try, but sometimes because of Alzheimer’s, dementia, Lewy Body, ALS or other neurological diseases, it doesn’t feel like you’re getting through–and it’s easy to give up.
The child psychologist featured on the program showed MRIs of the brain and how it had simply not developed–it had huge gaps where it should have been filled in with brain matter. He explained that our brains are sponges and they absorb whatever stimulus we provide. Without stimulus–music, art, nature, or human interaction, the brain just goes idle. If you’ve ever seen a “brain on Alzheimer’s,” you know that it sounds eerily similar–it’s shrinking and pulling away from itself.
We can’t forget how much our elders need to be touched and talked to–even when they can’t offer it back.
There were days when my mother, who had Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s, felt completely unreachable. I was fortunate that it was months, not years that she was unable to communicate, and my heart aches for families who face this. I continued to carry on a conversation, to offer food, to try to do things that comforted her, but I felt so helpless. That’s what caregivers say is the worst part of caring for those they love–when you can’t relieve their pain and when you can’t reach them.
I did find that my mother responded to music. My mother played several instruments and played in church for years. Whenever she seemed down, I’d go to piano and start a song and before long, she’d come over and start to play. Even after she could no longer play, her face would light up when I played the piano or put on music she recognized.
Music therapy is well documented. It can soothe us and calm our nerves, it can bring back memories of younger days, it can spar us to exercise and delight us to dance. What a powerful medium to reach not only the heart–but the mind. Neurologists have studied the effects of music on the brain.
I hope you’ll explore whatever medium your mom or dad or spouse responds to–for some, it’s the smell of home cooked meals or roses, for others, it’s more tactile–some people like to hold a knobby blanket or play in a bowl of grits. Studies have shown that the art you loved as a young person is the art you’ll still be drawn to in your golden years. Look back at your loved one’s life and find what they like. It’s great way to reach them again.
There’s nothing like seeing their face light up with recognition. It’s your brain–on love.
1 comment July 9, 2009
“Do You Remember? Ways to Gather Elders and Family History
“Do you remember?”This line starts many family conversations.
As our grandparents and moms and dads age, and as diseases such as dementia and Alzheimer’s start to muddy the mental waters, we as the “next” generation in line feel our legacy, our very heritage begin to slip away. Who will tell us about the person in this photograph? Do we know about our family histories?
When my mother moved in with my family (my husband, our daughters, and me), I thought I’d have a little time to fill in the family history. I wanted to get those songs of my childhood written down, fill in the gaps of the family Bible, and make sure that I had Daddy’s pear preserves recipe written down. I didn’t realize my mother, who had Parkinson’s, was already showing signs of Alzheimer’s.
Like most sandwich generationers, I was well, busy! My days started before dawn and were filled with car pools, SAT prep classes, buying prom dresses, teaching my girls to drive a stick shift, planning birthday parties and all the comes with that very full time of life. I let myself believe my mother’s excuses, because I wanted her to be okay, I wanted us to have more time.
I didn’t know that within months of moving in with us, she’d forget my name, and worse, she’d forget who we were–mother and daughter. But even in those precarious times when memory would come and go on a breeze, I was able to gather snippets of times gone by and I began to appreciate who we were as a family.
Ways to Help Our Loved Ones Remember:
- Don’t force it. Just be together. Talk naturally. After all, you’re making a memory right now. Today is a story you’ll tell.
- Show them a picture and let them freely reminisce. Keep a notebook nearby, or a video or tape recorder.
- Gather your own memories. While you’re washing dishes or go for a walk–as you remember a story, a memory, jot it down. The way you remember is important too.
- Don’t get hung up on every detail. Histories and memories are not perfect, nor should they be. Let there be gaps.
- Appreciate how they remember–today. Is it flawed? Do they have dates mixed up? Are they telling one story you know is about Aunt Lily, but they’re saying it happened to them? So what! Enjoy that history is fluid. It’s all in the telling.
- Recipes, songs, directions on how to use the old family sewing machine, how to thread a needle, how to bake a pecan pie, how to make a quilt square–these life lessons that are the kernels of family life. You can get the dates of WWII off the Internet…you can’t find Grandma Jones veggie soup recipe anywhere else.
- Get your family together and just hang out. Turn on that recorder and capture the banter, the hugs, the playfulness that makes your family unique.
- Gather the elder generation together for one last visit. You’ll be so glad that you brought two sisters together. It’s worth the drive, the renting of the room, the big family dinner–whatever it takes to give everyone one last time. Don’t wait for the funeral or memorial service –because that means someone’s gone.
Our brains are amazing. All we need is a spark–a photograph, the line of a song, the face of an old friend-and suddenly, what seemed forever forgotten is once again fresh and new.
In many ways, it’s not what you remember…it’s how you remember.
1 comment July 7, 2009
3 Secrets to Co-Caregiving with a Sibling
Have you ever watched @WF Wrestling? Ever seen the tag-teams and how one sits on the ropes and waits for the other one to duke it out, get tired, and then they slap hands and trade places? That’s what it’s like to co-care give.
Siblings. If you’re a caregiver to your mom or dad, your sibling is either your anchor and your angel…or your biggest frustration. There are so many families that struggle with sibling related caregiving issues–who Mom is going to live with, who should quit their job, one sibling pushing out the other, or why can’t my brother help out more?
But there are also lots of families where siblings co-care give–and it’s really important to protect this relationship–and maintain it well.
First, consider yourself a team. Having someone to share caregiving with is a wonderful god-send. Siblings can laugh together, cry together, cover each other’s “shifts,” and play good-cop, bad-cop with mom or dad in order to help nudge them in the right direction. It’s so, so helpful to have someone in your corner, someone you can trust who’s caring for dad or mom. If you are that co-caregiving team with your brother or sister, consider yourself very lucky, indeed.
3 Secrets to Co-Caregiving with a Sibling:
- Say what you need and expect up front: don’t just assume they’ll do all the errands just because you do all the housework. Ask, suggest, and work out a system both of you can live with. Nothing is more detrimental to a relationship than assuming.
- No tit-for-tat: Be easy, be flexible, and don’t keep count. One sibling may do more physical caregiving while the other deals with the finances or the emotional needs of your parent. Do what you’re suited for–but don’t keep score. If you feel valued and supported, then that’s co-caregiving.
- Timing is everything: one of you may be ready to care give sooner than the other–or one may get burned out before the other. Everyone has a different tolerance level. You’re two distinct people with different levels of physical and emotional stamina–and caregiving will effect each of you differently. Respect your sibling. Listen, compromise, and seek alternate solutions when the time comes–for either of you.
What’s great about co-caregiving is that you have someone to share the laughter with. Even the things that drive you crazy, you get to call your sis or your brother and say, “You’ll never believe what Mom said today!” This camaraderie is priceless.
2 comments July 3, 2009
Caregiver, Is Your Parent Home Alone? 8 Keys to Keep Them Safe and Sound
Remember that great movie Home Alone? Macaulay Culkin played this cute, ingenious kid who found all sorts of interesting (dangerous and funny) things to do when he was left behind and found himself alone in the house for the week. It’s cute when it’s a blockbuster movie, it’s less cute when it’s your parent that you’re worried about–suddenly dangerous and funny takes on a new meaning.
Yet many family caregivers have little choice. They may have to work. They have to pay their mortgage, they need the health insurance benefits, and even for the simple reason that they need to get out and react with the outside world. Yet, many many elders are left alone–for hours on end.
There are lots of issues: safety of course, is number one. Lots of things can happen. Falls lead the list, but I’m sure you have your own horror movie playing inside your head as you sit at work and hope everything’s all right. There’s also boredom, break-ins, wandering, and hoping they take their meds, drink water, and don’t get hooked on QVC and wind up buying thousands Sham-Wows while you’re at slaving away trying to afford gas and groceries.
8 Keys to Keeping Your “Home Alone” Loved One Safe and Sound:
- Webcam. If you work at a computer, consider installing a webcam in your home–in a central room. Put door locks on rooms you don’t want them to go into and let them know they’re on camera, but this could give you the peace of mind that your loved one hasn’t fallen–or slipped out the back door.
- Call regularly, but know that it’s a double-edged sword. Sometimes you’ll get 15 calls an hour–so you have to learn how to control this and not give into every dramatic excuse that comes along. But do call when you say you will.
- Pay a neighbor to check on them. If it’s summer, pay a pre-teen to bring in the mail, sweep the porch, or some other “excuse” to check on your elder–and then give you a quick call to let you know everything’s all right. Even a 15 minute visit is worth 5 dollars a day–and who knows, a friendship might even blossom.
- Consider starting or finding an elder co-op. Go to a local caregiving support group and see if there’s another person who lives nearby who is staying home with their loved one. You might be able to get the two together for a weekly visit–or he/she might be willing to take your mom or dad to the store when they go.
- Consider Meals on Wheels. This great organization does more than deliver lasagna. They take the time to chat a few minutes and do a quick assessment. Even if your elder says they don’t want it, tell them you do. These services are often free or very inexpensive–and it’s another friendly face your loved one can look forward to.
- Plan phone calls and visits from others. Does your dad or mom have relatives in other cities? Could you get them on a regular calling schedule? Will your church volunteer service do a monthly visit? Every little bit helps.
- Ask your work for flex hours. You know the old Biblical saying, “Ask and Ye Shall Receive?” You might be able to finish a report at home, or work one day a week from home. It doesn’t hurt to ask. If you’ve been a valued employee, then they know that you will accomplish your work goals no matter your location.
- Utilize those community resources. Most areas have a senior van service that will take your loved one to a local adult day care or to local doctors or stores. Check with your Council on Aging or other local senior community centers will have information on what’s available in your area.
Boredom is often a problem. We get in trouble when we’re bored–whether we’re 2 years old or 92. My mother may have had Alzheimer’s, but I could see that she still needed structure–and something to look forward to. Each day needs to offer something slightly different. Perhaps a housekeeper comes on Tuesday, the van takes your mom shopping on Wednesday, and your mom goes to adult day-care on Thursdays because that’s Bingo day.
All of us need friends and activities. Consider yourself your parent’s social secretary and enjoy the role. It’s so worth it when you return from a day at work and they’re smiling and have “news” to tell you about their day.
Being home alone isn’t the same as being lonely at home.
Add comment July 1, 2009
